Upstate

I’m curating, in the family and friends tradition, a section or maybe all of this selection of works in Vilaykorn’s current body of work. The opening of Family and Friends, to my mother will be July 25th, 6-8PM at John Davis Gallery.

This gallery resides at 362 and 1/2 Warren Street in Hudson, New York.

image

Continue reading “Upstate”

The Hospital Bed or, Baby Steps

The man was completely immobilized from his right shoulder to his right set of toes. He could barely talk except for his multi-toned yeses and no’s that spoke volumes. There were also the curses that fired out with or without any provocation.

“Fuck you.” he said to a young doctor whom he’d tired of talking to.

“That’s great.” the doctor said. “The part of the brain that cuss words come from is separate from the speech center. So, this tells me that you weren’t affected there. That’s great.”

He left shortly after finishing his examination.

The boy looked at the man, “Well I’m sorry. You can obviously say ‘fuck’ as much as you want.”

Calvin-and-hobbes-life-death Continue reading “The Hospital Bed or, Baby Steps”

Paul’s Boutique – A Visual Companion

When I was twelve my older brother introduced me to the Beastie Boys. I bought the Sounds of Science when I realized how much catching up there was. My younger brother bought Paul’s Boutique. It was at the tail end of 1999. So it had been ten years since that album had been released.

The Beastie Boys made so much music that can come into so many people’s lives in weird and wonderful ways. My first experience was in a minivan with a CD player. My mom was driving. I’m pretty sure we played songs off of the first disc of the Anthology.

So far, Paul’s Boutique – A Visual Companion is one of the weirdest, most wonderful ways in which it’s come back to me:

My brother and I looked over the back of the Anthology and decided that there were enough hits and other things across those two discs to justify a concept album. I didn’t understand what a concept album was but I decided to use the term like I did. Our older brother talked about Paul’s Boutique with reverence and the back of the CD didn’t have a track listing. It was mysterious. Continue reading “Paul’s Boutique – A Visual Companion”

My Doctor and I and the Drugs We Did

Over the course of my diagnosis [’04-’05] I learned life-lessons by listening to adults and upholding pockets of resistance against those same people. All of life felt revolutionary in my narrow experience.

One adult to whom I listened was my neurologist. Mostly because he spoke more than he listened. He was my doctor for a relatively long time.

On his recommendation I took one medication, then abruptly switched to another. The new one was Keppra. At the time it was a part of the new generation of anti-convulsants with minimal side-effects. I took that medication and continued having seizures until I maxed out the Keppra at three grams a day.

Pic From Google Image Search mmkay?
Pic From Google Image Search mmkay?

Continue reading “My Doctor and I and the Drugs We Did”

Seizure On Sunday, Maybe On Monday [excerpt]

I have epilepsy. It is something that runs in my family. My mother had it. A relative from long ago had it as well. She was killed while milking a cow in the 1930’s.

A basic definition describes it as a neurological disorder which causes repeated seizures over time. Causes may not even be knowable in individual cases, but doctors are able to provide best-guess scenarios. This can make it a confusing disease that is generally regarded as controllable.

When I’m feeling cynical I think that controlled epilepsy is just a medicated person.

In my case, the seizures began during my teens, which means that I’ve been dealing with it for a decade. I had to get a neurologist at 15yo who looked at my brain via EKGs and MRIs. He then prescribed a medication that would counter the wild electricity in my brain.

He told me that “We will see if this works. If you have another seizure then we will up the dose until we find something that works for you.”

calvin-hobbes-bridgeC’est La Vie

This Is Paint: Vilaykorn Sayaphet

Every painting features a home somehow. This makes talking to the painter Vilaykorn Sayaphet (b. 1976) difficult and frustrating right now. This guy is trying to explain to me what home means.

Courtesy of the artist
Courtesy of the artist

We are sitting in his studio on Flushing Avenue. The walls are tagged in marker and spray paint. Vilaykorn, or Vil, has been inviting me to his studio over the summer to watch him paint and prepare for his solo show at English Kills.

Some evenings it’s just us, a few paint lines and paint brushes. Other evenings eponymous taggers and artists swing through until the sun comes up. There would be a few beers, breeze coming through open windows, and ashtrays filling up over the course of the evening. No matter the scenario Vil painted.

He wasn’t so keen on me at first. I came through initially after an art opening and watched him work while a spontaneous group continued the party all around us. When he finally took a break I told him that I liked his work.

“Looks very old south. Could I interview you at some point over the summer?”

“Maybe.” scratched his chin, “Yeah, we could do something like that.” and asked around trying to figure out who I was, before ultimately extending an open invitation.

The second visit did not seem to go well. He was painting when I arrived. There were various artists hanging around like the cloud of smoke above our heads. Suddenly Vil began cursing at a painting in progress that wasn’t going right. I could see him semi-whispering to Chris Harding of English Kills. He was talking about me. Chris responded “It’s ok man. You’ve done a lot of work today.”

**

On origins:

He is Laotian. His family emigrated as war refugees to North Carolina when he was young (1983). He tells me that this is one of the effects of the Vietnam War. I tell him that my father was a veteran of that war (1969). He tells me that his family had to flee the bombing.

He says that he wants to teach. That his dream right now, on this June night, is to go back to Laos, or to North Carolina, and teach. At this point in his work, he has an internal fulfillment that lends itself to generosity. That is the crux of the desire to teach.

He says, “I feel like I am a painter. That now I’m a painter. Not an abstract painter, or figurative,” or any pre-emptive adjectives. “I am a painter.”

But this is what is making it so goddamned frustrating to interview Vil right now. All of his paintings look like the mind’s snapshot of a home. And he is winging them out in impressionistic flights nearly every day in here. His desires and his truths are so self-evident to him that he can only iterate them in simple, but key, phrases.

This is also the zen of it.

A painter is a human being. They have to wake up and go to sleep. Eat and defecate. Breathe in and out. When he sits with his back straight, and touches his fingertips together and says, “I am a painter.” He’s taking us to the elemental parts of his self. “When I paint I envision myself as music.”

This is why a miniscule dollop of disharmony can send him into an uproar.

“Do you know the reason I got so angry the second time you came over?” he asks. “It was because you were here. You were this person. This writer, who I didn’t know, coming to watch me in a very personal setting. It sent me over the edge that day.”

I look at the works in progress surrounding us, there are things that I see that I would hope would stay the same. And when I think this, I have to remember that I shouldn’t comment too heavily on them. That I should let the course take its natural way so that I can observe it.

After all, that is what home does when one is no longer around. It changes, weathers storms, and sometimes it’s lost to memory. The paintings that I see one month could be new paintings the next month. And the only thing left is remembering what you can.

“There would be days when that wouldn’t have done it. But it’s good that it did on that day. I had to know that I could let you in, so I had to ask about you.”

There is one piece painted on the leather seat of a folding chair. It looks Scandinavian in its atmosphere and architecture. This is a piece that when finished, isn’t considered anymore.

“‘Why is it important that you paint?’ hmmm…” mulling over the question. “What do you do? Are you alive?”

How many people came through and sat on it? He nonchalantly told me to sit on it while we did this interview. There could have been many.

He picks up a spatula and begins carving dried oil paint off of a piece near him. He puts the paint chips on a chair that serves as a palette. “It’s important to be alive whatever it is you do. I guess that’s why I paint.”

Then there is the arresting depiction of a waterfront neighborhood of stilted houses. Mountains in the background. A path through the center of the painting leads to the next town. He has been working on this piece for quite a while now. The first time I saw it, he had done the sky pink with broad brush strokes and one house.

**

Over the course of July new houses were made from the original. The sky had gone to sundown sometime after the fourth. Then it remained untouched for a week and change.

I swung by one evening to see how the work was going and watched as a graff-dude shook a spray can and painted all over the piece. He used a brush, some oils, and the spray can to completely demolish the brooding landscape into a brightly colored vanishing point.

Vil sat in a chair and watched. His hand was rubbing his goatee lost in thoughtless, while his mind was analyzing the vandalism and searching out weak points in the composition.

“I like it.” He said when the graff-dude finally relented 1.5 hours later. “Yeah, it’s pretty good. I like the new colors. The middle there.” Pointing. “I’ll work on it tomorrow.” and then he sighed.

**

The first time we tried to do an interview, Vil talked about this body of work like it would be the last thing he would ever do. The pressure of presenting this body of work to the public at English Kills was welling up in him and gushed at any given outlet.

The people who came by in the dwindling months were mostly Chris and myself. It was near the beginning of August now and the pieces were stacking up.

He had just made two fresh works on panels. In the center of one he wrote ‘The End.’

“That’s the last piece for the show. I’m not making anything new. From here on out I’m going to be working on what I’ve made. I’m doing an English Vils pop-up in Brownsville in a couple of weeks. My work is done. It’s down to the editing.”

**

It’s the day before Labor Day. Most of the pieces that Vil made over summer hang on makeshift shelves in his studio.

“I want to make you dinner.” He says.

We are in his kitchen. He is grilling Brussels sprouts, ginger, red onions, and carrots on a George Foreman grill. He makes Udon noodles. He slices the ends off of a package of Andouille sausages and then gingerly breaks green basil leaves off of their stems.

“Chinatown is the place to grocery shop.” he says during knife work. “You don’t have to be a chef, or make extravagant meals every night. You just need something simple that has greens, proteins, and sustains you.”

It’s obvious to me now, watching him in this element, that he is a person who works in devastatingly simple rhythms. I can recall the brush strokes as vividly as the ginger being sliced in front of me.

He works in two square feet of space to make this meal because that’s all he needs. It becomes clear how and why he lives as he does. It’s simply all he needs.

The memory from June comes back, What do you do? Are you alive?

And from later in that night when he is telling me to make my hardships my source of strength. The things that are in us are our strengths and weaknesses. We have to fashion them into what we need.

The knife and the paint brush are only tools when they are in use.

“You don’t cut up the basil, or add it to the noodles too soon or it will cook the leaves and you don’t get the full flavor. You have to add them last. That’s the good stuff.”

He hands me the bowl once he finishes the presentation.

“Stir it up before you eat it. Get those flavors moving around.”

He sits outside on a fire escape while I eat. I look up at the paintings and into the bowl of food.

When I join him later, we watch the cloud patterns, play music, watch the cops down the block, drink tallboys, and talk about the summer.

It had been full of life.

**

It’s the Thursday before the opening. I get a phone call. It’s Chris, “Hey Vil is sleeping, he hung the show last night. Do you want to come by tonight and check it out?”

I do. The work and cumulative effect is such a different affair in the gallery lights. Especially after dark.

We stand in the vast back room of the show space. Our cigarettes somewhere between being lit and being smoked. Left and right are the works. The entire summer and everything it encapsulated in nineteen paintings.

I think of the journey that led here. No pictures or words are needed now. Tonight, I don’t even know what the name of the show will be*. Standing in the midst of the work in silence is my final leg of the journey. The doors will open in two days and something significant will have changed into something new.

*“Latmanikham & Thongsy” September 13 – October 12, 2014

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We drove to South Point and out of there on to the Manago Hotel. I can remember this despite being stoned on cough syrup. I had had a cough to begin with. It was irritated by our persistent smoking. But I’d picked the cough up on the plane.

A guy with a beard parked his bicycle nearby and asked if we’d seen a brown jeep. I was sweating. The waves beat themselves on the rocks, covering us in a fine mist with each wind gust. This bearded guy was wearing a hooded sweatshirt and must have rode a long distance to get here.

“No,” I answered. “Haven’t seen anyone,”

‘at the end of the world.’

He rode east.

The hallucinations were kicking in now. I could see the clouds coming after us and the ocean knocking rocks off of cliffs. The rocks looked like lumpy potatoes.

“What are the snakes like on this island?” I asked the driver.

“Every snake you see has a fifty percent chance of being the most dangerous snake in the world.”

Go To Hawaii Buy A Ukelele

The driver uses an inhaler.

My list: Depakote, Keppra, St. John’s Wort, Acetaminophen, a bottle of syrup, marijuana, beers, and some jimson weed.

I think that the Acetaminophen was pretty benign, but the Depakote and Keppra mixed with the cough syrup was changing the world in an unpredictable way.

The St. John’s Wort and Marijuana were keeping things in friendly territory.

The beers and jimson weed kept a certain level of danger present when the unpredictability of the prescriptions stuttered.

What Hawaii Looks Like When You Drive Through It

I sat down on a rock and the driver looked through his camera lens. He was circling me and pointing the lens at my body. I wasn’t precise in my thinking, but I thought about water spirits and wave spray.

There were definitely wind farms here. This was confirmed by our second trip. During this first trip, I was taking pictures of the windmills. Some Cervantes fantasy was taking hold, the windmills needed to be fixed. They’d rusted and lost some propellers.

But the ocean was large and it swallowed the setting sun with ease. Nothing stopped the waves from eternally mashing the potatoes of dry land. My head ballooned and stayed that way for a few days as I drained cough syrup bottles so that I could continue to puff on the corn-cob pipe.

Morning In Hawaii

We walked toward the edge of the cliffs. He filmed as we walked.

“What are you going to do?” He asked.

I am barely able to recall this memory when watching the video.

“I’m going to take a piss off that cliff.”

The camera cuts off here.

“Don’t get too close to the edge.”

The edges of Hawaii are crumbling if they are stood on. The lava rock is good and all, but it takes time to build up for there to be interesting paths.

It was strange that this too was volcano-borne since it was grassy. However, I am not in charge of the Pacific Ocean nor its volcanoes, so it isn’t really my business.

I heard the driver shout. “Hey Sean! Go right there!”

A Taoist Piss Take At South Point

Our trip to South Point concluded at dusk, even though that trip and the time spent there never felt over. Blue water and wheeling gulls* followed us in our hallucinations and back to the mainland and back again to our own private islands.

How You Feel About Hawaii After You Leave

We are a lost people trying to escape in a sea. You can envelop yourself in memories and neglect the terribleness of the times and the slow smooth slide…

Or something like that.

Playing For Dimes: Workman Song

The earnest buskers howling just above the decibels of their acoustic guitars while trains whip the wind which whips the hair of onlookers are our subjects. These were some people who used to busk often on the Metropolitan Stop on the G Train, which connects with the L train at Lorimer. This is one of the settings in which we find them.

One of them doesn’t seem to busk there very often anymore. But you can find him in the back of a bar on Wyckoff Avenue playing and singing in a church band. That is because the church congregates behind the bar.

This guitar player’s stage name is Workman Song. His other name is Sean McMahon.

Most of his songs make for a good road companion. The individual songs have in them the “everyone-will-eventually-die” exuberant nihilism that a back country dirt road cohabits alongside Hank Williams Sr. cassette tapes.

With that said, it may be more truthful to equate McMahon’s music with Kris Kristofferson on an iPod.

**

It is necessary to modify the nihilism mentioned above with “exuberant” because the music is not something that sits heavy on the soul, it actually just reminds you of the nothingness. The ambivalence invokes the soul weary and vagabond qualities belonging to the American tradition of the folk-and-country arts.

Folk and/or country do not properly describe the music. Taken at face value it is not folk music, it is personal music written by one of our contemporary musicians. Nor, is this truly country music.

It’s more so that McMahon’s music does not describe nor vibe with the sedentary lifestyle of people who make their living off of the land. However, it does seem to have the same desires that folk music requires – honest description of life and momentary transcendence via personalization.

This is an act of mercy and honesty on McMahon’s part – songs about daddy-scratchin’-out-a-livin’-in-the-dirt-while-mama-drinks-moonshine-and-mends-his-shirt ring hollow in an age of farm subsidies and Nashville music assembly lines. Even if they are clever send ups of that style.

So we’re spared from making Bob Dylan or John Prine comparisons.

**

In describing what this music is not, we have not defined it at all. In fact it’s only grown more obtuse at this point. For this reviewer definition is not the job here – because: this is almost certainly being read within proximity to an internet connection and the reader could simply skip the review, stream the music from somewhere else and judge it for themselves. Instead I’ve taken on the job of enlarging the parameters in which to appreciate what this music aspires to be.

Why is it important that folk music and country music be taken into consideration in setting these parameters? Because: These are from where the comparisons will likely stem in evaluating the music. These are the traditions being drawn from most heavily in this music. And without acknowledging them, it is from where the most confusion will be drawn as well.

Let us reiterate the profound injustice done to our understanding of folk music that most modern music reviewers commit in calling any singer/songwriter with an acoustic guitar (with emphasis on songwriter) a folk musician. It is akin to classifying Elvis Presley a bluesman for his ‘uh-uhs‘. That is to say, he may be closer than you and I are on that scale, but saying it doesn’t make it so.

**

With this acknowledged we can hear frills-free guitar playing and wailing-longing voice without dismissal by ignorance. Let’s take it a step further and take in the words, which touch on themes of reconciling good and evil within. They aren’t narrative heavy, instead they lean on proclamations. These are what ultimately makes or breaks each song. The movement of the songs have the fluidness of a game of billiards between 1:45 AM pool sharks.

It’s one thing to hear the recorded music – which truthfully, will not suffice for the thesis of this essay. The only way to really find out about this music is to hear it live. Be it during one of the many multi-state tours he’s undertaken in the recent past or in a church/bar. Preferably, it’s on the subway station where he’s wrestling against the rush and wind of approaching and departing trains, possibly hungry and counting the quarters as they are tossed in his guitar case, getting into the zen of guitar playing, being so kind as to keep going even though your nose is buried in another part of your life and smiling when no one is looking.

It’s here that McMahon’s music thrives. Where it calls on the past, comfortably emanates in the present and manages to feel like it will always be here. But that is the great trick of the American tradition: it’s relatively young but feels ancient. We assume that it will always be around because it’s the background over which we live and die.

**

Back to the subway troubadours: another one always comes around sooner or later. But in New York everything can change quickly – it’s been a decade since someone smoked in a restaurant during the dinner hour. In the rest of the country differentiations are disappearing as quickly as definable regions. Check out the jukebox selection in the majority of the south. Listen to the music that people turn up loud in cars. Go anywhere else in the country. See if it’s any different beyond the margins.

Once you’ve done this, listen to this music again and make a tough decision: Is this the soundtrack to a disappearance, or is it more background noise?

Don’t Sleep On The Train No More.

“Black boy,
Black boy…
What you gonna do?
Barack Obama’s coming for you.”

-Dreadlock rasta man on 1AM L Train Union Square.

Begin paraphrase:

Singing Of Jihad. Benghazi. Iraq. 9/11. These things occurred in yr. heart.
That one day America will not be just a society, but a just society.
That yr. power is in yr. own heart.
That you are just a small dead boy named [REDACTED]. You look open-eyed, wide-eyed and sing deep.
(A) God bless America. [People on the train are smiling at what he says b/c he is funny]
That veterans and G.I.s with stumps are not looking out for handouts to oil pumps. But that there are drones in the sky that look and drones in the sky that bomb. And yr. only gonna be certain when yr. under the wrong one.
God bless America. God bless America. [I exchange a look with someone]

End paraphrase.

He went on. In spoken word pieces. Set between chooka-chooka rhythms and a palm-mute/D-note on the heavy E string. During which he sang the quoted chorus.

That was 1AM on the Brooklyn-bound L Train. He did this up and down the train car from U.Sq. until Bedford Avenue station.

I found myself agreeing with his methods. There’s no use in proselytizing angry. Better be goofy and sing it. You won’t make anyone say:

/I’m a human being goddamn it. My life has value/

But you may make them remember jumbled paraphrases and a caricatured accent. Then again, I was already thinking that this is not and will never be a just society. So he was giving these brain worms an outlet.

Before this?

Going toward Union Square:

Some white guy, biking clothes, 10:36PM, coasting on his bike down the Dekalb platform. It was a breezy night, no trains blowing the breeze. Just the air being breezy electric. He has this blissful look on his face breathing in through his nose.

He turns around in the middle of the platform and can see cops in the distance. Me and the girl on the bench can see them too. Two of ‘em loping toward us three like a pair of scuzzlebutts.

Bike guy hops off of his bike. He is walking fast, trying to get out of the subway tunnel. Off of this damned platform that is no longer breezy but is instead making his face flush. He is trying to escape.

But those goons – equipped each with a gun, taser, mace, handcuffs, two-way radio, billy-club, army boots, pens, and ticket books – well, that list is not exhaustive but, those goons caught up with him.

They caught up with this cyclist. And they were writing him a ticket when the train finally pulled into the station.

Going into Manhattan 10:45PM a homeless black man surrounded by bags shit himself at one end of the car. I could smell it at the opposite end of the car. I’m not going to sit on the shitty smelling car.

Once we’ve passed under the tunnel between stations I walk through the doors. I crinkle my nose and I shake it off and open my book. Everyone has gotten on the shitty car before. When the train pulls into Jefferson, a miniature exodus begins. And this happens at every stop, each time the swell of people increases.

‘Til finally the damn bursts and the ridiculous L train riders have appeared in full and they are making faces. Angry ones because sometimes the subway is shit. Mid-laughter ones with teary eyes. Saying things like ‘everyone gets on the shitty car sometimes.’ and other things like ‘oh my god.’

But one couple sits next to me, so I hear how their conversation goes after the laughter.

[keep in mind that I don’t have to and I don’t not have to listen]

“That guy was having a feces party back there.” he sez.

I think, ‘It didn’t seem like a party.’ but I have slept on the train and have no sense of humor and I really just wanted to read so I let it flow out of my mind. (I thought it was out of there.) I can still hear them in the present moment – that being the past now. When I was trying to read.

Now I can’t write so I’m editing. And someone reading this will have no idea what the original intent of the preceding paragraph (and especially that sentence!) was.

“I’ve never been on a car that smelled so bad. Like, I’ve been on cars that smell bad before but I have never been on one that smelled like that. It was like, the whole car.” she sez that sounds like the seamless.com announcement, you know, like “New Seamless order.” [ad naseum]

“I remember once,” he sez next, “I was on a train and everyone was making faces at some smell. And I couldn’t smell anything. I literally asked the lady next to me what it was. I guess my body chemistry didn’t register it.”

He sounded so smug in that moment that I dared not to look at him. He sounded as smug as “dared not to look at him” sounds pretentious. He sounded so smug that I wanted to whap his penis and balls with the spine of my book.

As we pull into another station and the exodus begins again, she sez, “I want to film people’s reactions as they change cars.”

And I look down and she has an iPhone in her hand. And I think, “GOD! She could actually do that.” but what I meant to think was, “She could actually record the people recoiling in horror at another human’s suffering.” b/c I meant to think grandiose since I was reading a hard cover (good for whapping p&b into jelly) copy of [REDACTED].

And now I think I was thinking that it is just weird living with humans. Since one thing we often do is document each other, but we don’t seem to observe these documents. We seem to only observe the documentation-action part of it.

And I finally get to U.Sq. and stay there for a while smoking hand-rolled cigarettes with [REDACTED] and talk about this piece of gibberish I’m writing and mental illness. And I have no intent to write about coming here b/c I’ve slept here before too and have already written about that.

And it’s been such a cool summer. Everyone is dressing awesome this summer. They seem to feel that way too. Someone offers someone else a sandwich. Until the police appear again, at 12:30AM to “Close the fountain.”

There was another homeless guy. He was sleeping on the fountain steps. He pissed right onto the ground while a 4 ton truck drove a foot away from his pecker. The truck was some kind of cleaning truck and I am only guessing at it’s actual weight… But it arrived in the nick of time.

And then some guy carrying roses asks us if we’re going to sleep in the park and we say ‘no.’ because we’re beyond that now – we hope.

But that’s about when I got myself back into the subway system, to wait on the Brooklyn-bound L Train – just like that song. And instead that other song is coming along.

Hear that D note shuffle?

Black boy, black boy… What you gonna do?